Grief exposed; Truth revealed


Though I know in my soul that God is in control, I can’t help but feel off-balance these days. In a two-week span, I lost a job and co-workers that I loved dearly followed by the loss of my dear mother, the last of my parents. Those who know me probably remember my father was murdered when I was a child.

And, so here I sit, an unemployed orphan. Maybe that sounds a bit melodramatic, but, even at almost 60 years old, there is really no world nor age group in which that doesn’t sting. A lot. As a caregiver for my mom for the past five or so years and as one who was deeply invested in the hospice volunteer program which I had built from the ground up, these life-altering events left me shell-shocked, particularly in the slow-crawling few days following mom’s funeral planning and funeral.

I nestled myself in the joy that radiates from my beautiful grandbaby for a couple of days, but when she was back at home with her mama and daddy, I was right back in the land of the lost. I know there is plenty I should and could be doing, but I feel stuck; suspended in time.

And, so here I still sit. An unemployed orphan trying my best not to feel sorry for myself; trying my best to not be anxious, but to cast all my cares upon the Lord, as today’s bible verse from 1 Peter, 5:7 so reminds.

I know that I know that the Bible is true and that God is with me no matter what. But, because of that, I have also been beating myself up about feeling sad and lost. I guess you could say I have been grieving grief. I began to wonder if sharing such raw feelings might make myself and others question my loyalty to and faith in God?

Fortunately, I was not allowed to wonder that for long as His beautiful still, small voice rang out not so quietly in my heart.

He reminded ever so gently that I should never hide my sadness or my grief or even my momentary feelings of being lost.  Our Savior, was himself, as Isaiah 53:3 describes, a “man of sorrow and acquainted with grief.”

And He, in fact, cried. Not once; not twice, but three times in scripture, He cried. Look it up in John 11:35, Luke 19:41 and Hebrews 5:7-9. Each is near the end of His life and each shines a light on what matters most to our loving God. He is “touched with the feelings of our infirmities,” according to the writer of Hebrews 4:15.

It’s perfectly okay to grieve losses. It’s a part of being human. It’s okay to feel lost, as long as we don’t stay there forever and as long as we remember that we always have HOPE in the Lord. I may not be able to see the big picture yet, and I may still feel sad and worry, but in my heart of hearts, I know that I know that God is indeed in control and has a plan for me far better than any plan I could ever muster.

I also know that I should rejoice in the many blessings that surround me—praying friends and a praying, loving daughter and son-in law that have my back no matter what; a beautiful granddaughter to carry on my mom’s legacy and name; and, above all, a Father who calls me His child and wants only His BEST for me.

As far as the job, I don’t know exactly from where my next paycheck will come, but I KNOW Him and, just as He has always done, I KNOW He will come through, making sure I wind up in the place that I am needed most.

Thank you, God.

Thank you for the incredible memories of my mom and for the knowledge that she is finally out of her suffering and in Your Presence. And thank you for always, always standing in the gaps, no matter how wide they may seem to me. Nothing is impossible for You; nor for me when I walk with You. I love you, Father, and I am beyond thankful to be called Your child. I will never refer to myself as an orphan again, because I am not now nor will I ever be without You.

–Amen and Ehmen

There is Direction in Connection


dear godJune 11, 2017

Dear God,

It’s been a tough few weeks. Well, actually, while the situation has been tough, my reaction to it has surprised me. Never in a million years would I expect to be this calm and, dare I say even excited, about being unemployed for the first time in almost four decades. I can see Your beautiful fingerprints all over this and I know that I know that THIS is the answer to my prayers and to the many prayers spoken on my behalf during a most tumultuous year. Finally, I am forced to settle into the faith that resides inside; to nestle into Your lap and watch you work. It’s time to put my faith where my mouth is; to practice what I preach; to trust You unconditionally. I am ready, but ask that You help me along the way. I am sure I will have my moments, but I know that with You by my side, I can do anything that You lead me to do. Help me, Lord, to remember that and to keep my eyes fixed on You as I continue this exciting journey into your will and my purpose. Amen and Ehmen.

Dear Child,

You are right to see this situation as an answered prayer and am pleased that you are committing to following my lead into your future. So many of my children, you included—despite desires otherwise—tend to see living by faith as a risky investment. The fact is I Am the only sure thing you will ever encounter prior to arriving in Heaven.

Jobs end. People leave. Money and things disappear. But, I, My dear child, will always be here and am the same loving parent as I was yesterday, am today and will be tomorrow.

Brenda, it has grieved My heart to see you go through such pain and suffering with your job. It especially saddened Me to lose connection with you as you struggled to keep your head above water this past year. This was never meant to be. Remember, My dear one, that nothing can ever separate us. I simply cannot and will not allow it.

Romans, 37-39: No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor principalities, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.…

And, so, here we sit. You are right where I want you, child—right beside Me. Close enough that you can feel My heartbeat and hear My voice. Your future of prosperity is wrapped in peace and your purpose contains more joy than you can imagine, and are all found in Me. I am the safety net for which you have always dreamed. All I ask of you is to connect with Me continually and to know that it is in that connection that I shall give you the direction and wisdom you seek. I love you, child

But, memories don’t breathe…


I can’t lie. Today has been a tough and tearful day. I guess because I’m back toamen and ehmen screen shot banner some semblance of a routine. It’s just hard to believe that I won’t be able to see or talk to my brother again, at least this side of heaven. And that really hurts.

Sure, there are plenty of memories, but memories don’t breathe, laugh, smile and talk. They don’t hug or call on the telephone. They don’t tell jokes. They don’t love or advise. They are made up solely of days gone by. And that, too, really hurts.

I just have to remember, while memories may be past tense, God’s grace and promises are alive and present and the very ingredients of our future in Heaven with all of our loved ones, most especially the Almighty Father.

Abba Father, thank you for your grace and promises. And for reminding me that it is okay to grieve and cry. I know that you feel our hurt. In fact, at Gary’s memorial, as the rain fell onto our tents and umbrellas, I couldn’t help but imagine that You and all of the Heavens cried with us. I love you and praise you, dear Father, with all that I am. Please continue to comfort my family and all of those who loved Gary as well as anyone else who is grieving today. Amen and Ehmen.