Dear God
Grief exposed; Truth revealed
Though I know in my soul that God is in control, I can’t help but feel off-balance these days. In a two-week span, I lost a job and co-workers that I loved dearly followed by the loss of my dear mother, the last of my parents. Those who know me probably remember my father was murdered when I was a child.
And, so here I sit, an unemployed orphan. Maybe that sounds a bit melodramatic, but, even at almost 60 years old, there is really no world nor age group in which that doesn’t sting. A lot. As a caregiver for my mom for the past five or so years and as one who was deeply invested in the hospice volunteer program which I had built from the ground up, these life-altering events left me shell-shocked, particularly in the slow-crawling few days following mom’s funeral planning and funeral.
I nestled myself in the joy that radiates from my beautiful grandbaby for a couple of days, but when she was back at home with her mama and daddy, I was right back in the land of the lost. I know there is plenty I should and could be doing, but I feel stuck; suspended in time.
And, so here I still sit. An unemployed orphan trying my best not to feel sorry for myself; trying my best to not be anxious, but to cast all my cares upon the Lord, as today’s bible verse from 1 Peter, 5:7 so reminds.
I know that I know that the Bible is true and that God is with me no matter what. But, because of that, I have also been beating myself up about feeling sad and lost. I guess you could say I have been grieving grief. I began to wonder if sharing such raw feelings might make myself and others question my loyalty to and faith in God?
Fortunately, I was not allowed to wonder that for long as His beautiful still, small voice rang out not so quietly in my heart.
He reminded ever so gently that I should never hide my sadness or my grief or even my momentary feelings of being lost. Our Savior, was himself, as Isaiah 53:3 describes, a “man of sorrow and acquainted with grief.”
And He, in fact, cried. Not once; not twice, but three times in scripture, He cried. Look it up in John 11:35, Luke 19:41 and Hebrews 5:7-9. Each is near the end of His life and each shines a light on what matters most to our loving God. He is “touched with the feelings of our infirmities,” according to the writer of Hebrews 4:15.
It’s perfectly okay to grieve losses. It’s a part of being human. It’s okay to feel lost, as long as we don’t stay there forever and as long as we remember that we always have HOPE in the Lord. I may not be able to see the big picture yet, and I may still feel sad and worry, but in my heart of hearts, I know that I know that God is indeed in control and has a plan for me far better than any plan I could ever muster.
I also know that I should rejoice in the many blessings that surround me—praying friends and a praying, loving daughter and son-in law that have my back no matter what; a beautiful granddaughter to carry on my mom’s legacy and name; and, above all, a Father who calls me His child and wants only His BEST for me.
As far as the job, I don’t know exactly from where my next paycheck will come, but I KNOW Him and, just as He has always done, I KNOW He will come through, making sure I wind up in the place that I am needed most.
Thank you, God.
Thank you for the incredible memories of my mom and for the knowledge that she is finally out of her suffering and in Your Presence. And thank you for always, always standing in the gaps, no matter how wide they may seem to me. Nothing is impossible for You; nor for me when I walk with You. I love you, Father, and I am beyond thankful to be called Your child. I will never refer to myself as an orphan again, because I am not now nor will I ever be without You.
–Amen and Ehmen
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Hummingbirds from Heaven
My mama loved hummingbirds. In fact, one of her very favorite pastimes was sitting in her recliner and watching as the little cuties dipped, dived, swooped and hovered while sipping the sweet nectar we prepared and put in the bird feeders hanging just outside her window.
She could tell you which little birdies were repeat visitors from previous years and which ones were new to the neighborhood. She could tell you which were the most aggressive and which were a little on the sweeter side like the nectar they enjoyed.
But, for me personally, perhaps the most memorable thing about my mother’s love for hummingbirds is the times when they were absent. I will never forget that day in May 2020. Like pretty much everyone on the planet, the pandemic was taking a toll on my mama, and she wanted nothing more than to see her beloved hummingbirds once again dancing in the air around the feeder. But, for some reason, sans the two that visited a few times that March when the feeder first went up, there had been no little bird visitors that year.
She was so disappointed, and I was disappointed for her. So, on the morning of May 15, 2020, as she sat sleeping in her chair, her face turned towards the window as if she had fallen asleep looking for her little friends, I began to pray and asked God to please send her a hummingbird to brighten her day.
Sure enough, just a few hours later, as I delivered her some lunch, she was beaming as she excitedly announced she had finally seen a hummer! Was it a coincidence? Absolutely not! That was all our loving Creator. When I told her about my prayer, she sat smiling for hours, a few tears of joy trickling down her cheeks. You could tell she felt His love. I did too
The birds disappeared again after that day, but I think that, too, was by design, giving Him another chance to show the two of us just how much He really cares about us. Fast forward to July of 2020. Mama had not been feeling good for several days and I was very worried. She had some cold symptoms and, of course, COVID was top of mind. So, as I was outside on my lawn tractor mowing the grass, I began to pray fervently.
I asked God for protection for her, for Billie and the sweet baby we had recently learned she was carrying, for my brother who was fighting cancer, and for me and all my family and friends. The pandemic had been so overwhelming. As I prayed, I also asked God if He could send us a sign that everything was indeed going to be okay. Then, I decided to be even more specific. I still remember the words that came from my heart: “Lord,” I prayed, “please let mom see a hummingbird. When I have asked before, You have always faithfully sent her one, so will you please send at least one more?”
I came back in the house and honestly forgot about it until the next day when I went into her room to check on her. As I stood in front of her asking what she wanted for breakfast, she began to grin from ear to ear.
“Oooooh, I forgot to tell you, I saw a hummingbird yesterday. It’s the first one I’ve seen since May,” she said. “It was just the one, but he seemed to really fill up at the feeder and hovered in front of the window for a while.”
I could hardly speak. This time tears rolled down my face as I told her about my prayer. We both felt Him whispering in our ears, “It’s going to be alright. I’m here.”
Today, the day after we laid her to rest, I still hear those words, “It’s going to be alright. I’m here.”
I love you, mama.
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Knock, Knock…
Note: I hesitated to post this personal prayer journal entry from earlier this month, telling myself that it probably wasn’t of interest to anyone else. However, in reality, I think it was more that I was waiting to see if He would really show up as I set out to wholeheartedly seek His face; if He would really open the door when I knocked.
Spoiler alert: He DID!
Just as He always does and will again and again until the end of time, He SHOWED UP and SHOWED OUT and then some. My asthma is back under control; I am writing again; and the voice and miracles of the Holy Spirit have resumed. Woo Hoo! More on that in future blog posts. God is so very good, y’all. All the time, He is so very good. –Brenda.
August 5, 2019
Lord, I feel Your Presence this morning.
Actually, I’ve been becoming more and more aware of Your closeness over this past week or so. Thank you for sending the D-group Bible Study girls into my life. I see You working throughout the entire group and know that You are using each of us individually and together for great things.
Thank you, too, for the lady you sent to lay hands on me and pray for me in Lowe’s while standing in the air filter section. I know THAT was you. You knew I was struggling greatly with asthma, but she didn’t. She just showed up and the next thing I know she was speaking healing over me.
Give me the unyielding faith to BELIEVE that healing is already mine. I’m already feeling better. Keep me in this faith space, Lord.
Help me, too, to get back on track with my writing and to be obedient. I miss those times of miracles, just from listening to Your voice and following each prompting of the Holy Spirit. I want that again, Lord. I want YOU, Lord.
Your Word says ask and you will receive. I’m asking, Lord.
Your word says seek and you shall find. I’m seeking, Lord.
And, Your Word says, knock and it will be opened to you. I’m knocking, Lord. I’m ready to beat down the door, in fact.
I love you, God. With all that I am, I love You and praise You! Thank you for loving me without cease.
Amen and Ehmen.
And in my spirit, these are the words that I heard…
Dear Child,
You are so very special to Me.
I wish that all of you knew just how much you mean to Me. You are each a pivotal part of all Creation.
I need you to understand that, Child. You are NOT an accident and you are absolutely NOT insignificant. You and everything that I purposed for You is critical in bringing My Kingdom to fruition.
You must take that seriously, Child, but don’t take yourself so seriously. There is a huge difference.
Stay in MY Presence. I’m always with you. Listen for My Voice at all times. Even when it does not make sense to you, be obedient.
This is the ONLY way you will ever move My Purpose for you along. You cannot do any of it alone, but you can and will do it with My help.
Oh, the journey we will take together, Child. You just don’t know. The joy. The love. The peace. The impact. It’s going to be GOOD, my dear one.
I can’t wait to share it with you.
Have a beautiful day and take the time to just breathe it all in. You are healed.
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Tip me over and pour me out
January 6, 2019
Dear God,
Out of obedience and Your own beckoning, I am here. I really didn’t want to put this on paper as I feel that I am beginning to sound like a broken record. Actually, more often than not, I KNOW I sound like a broken record in my prayers and pleas. I’m just glad that You can see past it, into my heart, and know my deep love for You. Though my trust obviously wavers, my love does not. I’m a work in progress and, as Your word declares, always will be until the day that I meet You in Heaven. Help me to be more moldable, teachable and trusting, dear Lord. Help me to trade in my fear and fret for unwavering trust and contented dependence.
Each time I come to a crossroads, such as when a project falls through, You always come to my rescue. It may not be in my preferred time, but it is always in Your perfect time. I KNOW this from experience. You have a stellar track record and yet, if I’m totally honest, this living on the edge, not knowing from where my next paycheck will come, wrecks me every time.
Lord, today, I just need to hear from You. I need to KNOW and to hear once again that I am on the path that you desire for me. And, if so, help me to squash my disbelief and rest in the knowledge that You will take care of me just as You have promised and proven time and time again. Help me to hang on to You and not bail or let the enemy steal this time with which You have blessed me; this time to move my purpose forward.
I NEED You, my Father. Every moment of every day. I am nothing and I am useless without You. Come close and allow me to hear Your heart. Amen and Ehmen.
Dear Child,
My desire is not that you are perfect as we both know is impossible by virtue of your humanness.
Instead I cherish the moments that you are real and honest with Me; for it is when you pour out your burdens and fears to Me that I am able to refill you with more truth and love; more fuel to keep on the path I have set before you.
While I wish you would fully trust Me, I also understand when you waver. The most important thing is that you keep coming to Me and laying your burdens at My feet; for when your burdens are at My feet, the enemy cannot use them against you. He knows that I will crush him with a single strike of My heel should he try to snatch them.
You can come to me anytime. I will not grow weary, My child. I know that you have fears; fear is a common human condition and has been since the days of Adam and Eve. Why do you think “Fear Not and Do Not Be Afraid” appear so many times throughout My Word? You are not the first to need reassurance and you will not be the last. I’m okay with that, as long as you continue to come to Me.
I love you, child. Unconditionally and Completely. Eternally. Even when you don’t understand My ways, trust in My love for you and know that you can always approach Me anytime you desire. Everything else will fall into place. Thank you for spending time with Me this morning. Now, just breathe and watch me refill you with My goodness and faithfulness.
amen and ehmen! 