Father’s Day Feelings…


dad and girls

Writer’s Note: My dad was on the receiving end of a robber’s bullet many, many years ago, when I was just a little girl, robbing me of the opportunity to grow up with a father in my life. I have since forgiven the one who took him from us, but it still hurts, even all of these decades later…

I sit and stare at the photograph. Like my memories, it is faded. I just don’t seem to remember much. Black and white, shades of gray memories. I know you once existed in physical form, but, unfortunately, our life together was way too short; pretty much just a foreword, a preface to my own story.

Sometimes I wonder if I have blocked memories of my childhood, just because your untimely departure hurt so much. Because I know if I remember the good times then I will also have to remember how those good times ended. Those were dark days, even for an 8-year old whose most pressing decision was whether or not to climb the tree in the backyard. One day you were there and the next you were gone.

And even though my present mind sees our days together as a mere outline, like the beginning of a sketch without the details filled in, today, on this Father’s Day weekend, I sit here and FEEL a flood of memories. I FEEL your warmth as we cuddled up on the couch and watched Elvis movies AFTER my bedtime.

I FEEL your strength when you’d catch me as I leaped into your arms when you came home from work. Please forgive me if I ever hugged your neck too tight as I searched for that ever-present piece of gum in the pocket of your starched white shirt.

I FEEL your gentleness and compassion as—after being banished to my room to “just wait until your father gets home”—you arrived to lovingly correct me and, with the fluffy wallop of a pillow, forgave me of my transgressions.

I FEEL the pride I felt when I was up at “daddy’s work.” Yes, that was me that was always rummaging in your desk drawers for change for the coke and snack machines, and no, I still do NOT want a piece of the fruitcake you sold for the Civitan Club.

I FEEL thankful for all the family times, the vacations in Clearwater, Florida at the Sandlewood Hotel, the holidays, the dinners around the dining room table and all the moments for the eight years that we were together.

For though I don’t remember many of the details, I DO remember the FEELINGs of LOVE—feelings powerful enough to help me navigate through your most devastating and tragic departure; through the difficult years that followed as we tried to put our lives back together; through the many years and many milestones that would have been so much more with you there; all the way through today as I spend this Father’s Day weekend feeling memories made five decades ago; memories that turned into a life time of love.

Thank you, God, for my earthly dad and for this walk down memory lane.

But, most of all, God, I thank you for YOU and for your promise that one day my stroll down Memory Lane will bring me to Heaven’s Gate where I will once again have the chance to jump into my Daddy’s arms.  Make sure you have Juicy Fruit. It was always my favorite.

Happy Father’s Day to you both. Amen and Ehmen!

Memories of Me


I walked into my mother’s old home and, amid the smell of must and dust, I boarded a time machine that would transport me back decades in a matter of moments. childhood-memories

First stop, my childhood bedroom. I reached deep into the closet and right back into history. My memory has always been sketchy at best, but laying my hands on fragments of my past brought a flood of memories of a happy and hopeful little girl that loved to make people laugh and smile. One that loved to play music, to draw and, yes, write.  It was nice to see her again.  

Not that I’ve changed that much in the past five decades. Sure, I’m older and–I hope–wiser, but I still have the same overall traits and passions. It is definitely the way God wired me and it was nice to be reminded that nothing, not even the tragedies and hardships that my family endured, could change that.

Yes, the man who took my father’s life when I was just 8 years old is responsible for turning what should have been colorful, beautiful childhood memories into a haze of black and gray; but today God saw to it that I got reintroduced to the good memories created by that happy-go-lucky, tree-climbing, music loving, creative little girl once again. Thank You, God, for giving me this gift. I will never know what might have been had my father been allowed to stay on this earth with us, but I do know that You have always and continue to have my best interest at heart and this little girl of Yours is very thankful.

Thank You for the bright memories and Your promise to always help me live my life in full, living color. I shall never stop pursuing You, Lord, and the purpose for which You created me. That’s my gift to you. I hope you like it.

Amen and Ehmen.

Reflections in the Night


Happy Saturday, everyone. I want to apologize for being little quieter than usual of late. As I have mentioned in prior posts, my personal world has been pretty noisy lately. However, I promise that I’m staying connected to The Father and will be back on track with my posts soon. Please continue to pray for me and for my family and know that I will be doing the same for you. In the meantime, I was scrolling through some old computer files and found this short little snippet I wrote about this same time of year all the way back in 1998. It’s not really all that special in and of itself, but it really just struck a chord with me tonight as it transported back to a night almost two decades past that I would otherwise simply have forgotten. I’m so thankful for words and for the fact that God has planted such a love for them deep inside. Written memories are the best and I really enjoyed this short jaunt down memory lane. I hope, if nothing else, it inspires you to take out pen and paper the next time you have a moment worth remembering.   🙂

Reflections in the Night

 As I sit here alone in the night, a sheath of black velvet enveloping, my mind can’t help but basketball goalHoneysuckle-Flower-wallpaperdrift…embrace this peaceful journey being offered to me…a journey of reflection.

This is my home, where I grew up. Right over there hangs the old basketball goal, it’s homemade backboard of wood now weathered and worn, but still proof that young children once lived here. The sweet, sweet smell of honeysuckles still linger from the summer and the crickets are still harmonious and serenading us to sleep night after night.

My, but it is comforting to know that some things never change in this crazy world.

Tonight I ask that you, too, always remember to share your yesterdays, todays and tomorrows — even if it is just with the night.

Amen and Ehmen!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

When God Speaks, I’m Learning to Listen…


Writer’s Note: As I was browsing my Facebook “memories,” I came upon this one from three years ago. It is a FB post along with subsequent comments as the Featured Image -- 351experience progressed. Thank God for these reminders. I just love how God works. Let him into your life and world and get ready for an exciting journey. This is just a tiny example of undeniable ways that He has made His presence and my purpose known in my life. And I would not trade it for the world. In fact, I want more! I want everything He has to give me! Amen and Ehmen!

Posted on Facebook the early morning of September 21, 2012:

So, my computer shut down unexpectedly and when I restarted it, this unsaved document reappeared. It was something I wrote for my personal God Time journal on Sept. 13. I had completely forgotten about it. The notes at the beginning said “You are about to go through some stuff, but I’m right here.” No big surprise that, if you have been following my posts, “stuff” has indeed been invading my world these last two weeks. Thank God, God knows I have a terrible memory and He brings his message right back to me. Oh, how I love Him:

9/13/2012 6:55 PM Journal Entry:

Dear God,
Tonight as I stepped outdoors to go for our evening stroll together, I took pause when I saw a darkening sky. I debated for a moment whether or not I should go and then decided to go back inside, grab an umbrella and get to stepping. I don’t like to miss time with You.
And, as usual you didn’t disappoint. As I walked along, I felt Your Presence urging me to look up. And there, Your sky became a theatre and the story You told, just like You, will stick with me through thick and thin.
“My child, thank you for trusting me enough to come on this walk,” I heard you say. “And, because of your obedience, I have something to share with you.”
“Look up, child. Though there are dark, ominous clouds rolling in, there arestormy skies also white, puffy clouds with silver and gold highlights perched ever so gently in the blue heavens. Those white clouds, blue skies and beams of sunshine represent Me. And, even though, storms may roll in, I Am always here. Just on the other side of that dark cloud and whatever it may bring, I, your Father, your Creator, exists, working even in the storm to bring about good. Don’t forget, my child, that this is My story. I Am the Author and the Producer and I control the outcome. And, this Good Guy, won’t ever be finishing last. Just breathe through the storm and know that all dark clouds will eventually pass and you will see Me in all My Glory, smiling and proud of your obedience and faith. Here, child, take a bow with Me.

  • September 21, 2012 at 8:32 am: Things started happening that evening and, if you look at my posts, you’ll see no posts from me 9/13 and beginning on 9/14, posts are about stressful events. It actually started the evening of 9/13, which is why I didn’t post this to begin with. Look how quickly I forgot. He gave me a message to prepare me and I just let it sail right out of my head and heart when trouble started. BUT, he brought it right back to me. God is so faithful; even when I’m silly stubborn. Now, off I go to the auto repair shop to see what is up with my AC. Whatever it is, it’s just a thang. Thank God, that I even have a car.
  • September 21, 2012 at 11:35am: My goodness, now I understand why God gave me this reminder this morning. :( Breathing through the storm just as He suggested.
  • September 21, 2012 at 8:16pm: Still blown away that of all the documents (probably 50 or more) I have worked on over the past two weeks, how THIS ONE unsaved, unnamed document (Document 17) is the only document to grace my screen after my computer unexpectedly shut down. By the way, my computer has been shut down and everything closed at least a dozen times since last week as well. Can I just say wow, again? I am just so glad God is so faithful and patient with stubborn folks like me.

But, memories don’t breathe…


I can’t lie. Today has been a tough and tearful day. I guess because I’m back toamen and ehmen screen shot banner some semblance of a routine. It’s just hard to believe that I won’t be able to see or talk to my brother again, at least this side of heaven. And that really hurts.

Sure, there are plenty of memories, but memories don’t breathe, laugh, smile and talk. They don’t hug or call on the telephone. They don’t tell jokes. They don’t love or advise. They are made up solely of days gone by. And that, too, really hurts.

I just have to remember, while memories may be past tense, God’s grace and promises are alive and present and the very ingredients of our future in Heaven with all of our loved ones, most especially the Almighty Father.

Abba Father, thank you for your grace and promises. And for reminding me that it is okay to grieve and cry. I know that you feel our hurt. In fact, at Gary’s memorial, as the rain fell onto our tents and umbrellas, I couldn’t help but imagine that You and all of the Heavens cried with us. I love you and praise you, dear Father, with all that I am. Please continue to comfort my family and all of those who loved Gary as well as anyone else who is grieving today. Amen and Ehmen.